diff --git a/src/applications/meta/engineextension/PhabricatorDatasourceURIEngineExtension.php b/src/applications/meta/engineextension/PhabricatorDatasourceURIEngineExtension.php
--- a/src/applications/meta/engineextension/PhabricatorDatasourceURIEngineExtension.php
+++ b/src/applications/meta/engineextension/PhabricatorDatasourceURIEngineExtension.php
@@ -8,9 +8,18 @@
   }
 
   public function newJumpURI($query) {
+
+    // Note that the backend of "isSelfURI" is faster with a PhutilURI.
+    $uri_query = new PhutilURI($query);
+
+    // Skip things that are really not full URLs, like "asdasd".
+    if ($uri_query->getDomain() === '') {
+      return null;
+    }
+
     // If you search for a URI on the local install, just redirect to that
     // URI as though you had pasted it into the URI bar.
-    if (PhabricatorEnv::isSelfURI($query)) {
+    if (PhabricatorEnv::isSelfURI($uri_query)) {
       // Strip off the absolute part of the URI. If we don't, the URI redirect
       // validator will get upset that we're performing an unmarked external
       // redirect.
@@ -20,8 +29,7 @@
       // we want to redirect to "https://" if an install is HTTPS, and
       // the "isSelfURI()" check includes alternate domains in addition to the
       // canonical domain.
-
-      $uri = id(new PhutilURI($query))
+      $uri = $uri_query
         ->setDomain(null)
         ->setProtocol(null)
         ->setPort(null);